Tuesday, September 3, 2013
i'm alive, wanna watch a movie about amphetamines?
blogspot kind of freaks me out because i feel so pressured to Make Good Posts. what even is a good post? just this february i thought it was using uppercase letters when needed, taking HQ photos of clothes and lipstick, keeping everything in a neat and clean category of 'outfit' or 'fashion' or 'thoughts...'. i don't even know now.
here's a brief summary of some stuff that happened while i was away:
i moved to north california, because in los angeles i got depressed and lonely. being in the valley was quite therapeutic, and i'm planning to go back to LA soon. i started a feminist blog, it's in russian - vk.com/virginpower . also did some personal life improvements. visited moscow and london. i feel like my russian blog gave me a lot of self - confidence. i suppose it's popular because on the russian webz there isn't much competition, and not because it's oh - so - great. the western web is still a mystery to me, it feels like much self promotion and careful branding is needed (which i have always been to lazy for) rather than actual unique content. i know tons of ~popular personas that don't have all that much to give other than their own personal brand. and there's nothing wrong with that, branding yourself is also an art, i suppose...
i started my russian blog because i was afraid of becoming interesting to many without having anything to actually offer. i felt like feminism is something they all lack (and it's so very true) and i was surprised at how much people started investing in me and that blog. but it's starting to feel like i'm not doing anything again... i've taken a break from that blog (it's been a week now) and especially answering questions on ask.fm (which is the most draining thing i have ever done. this is why i will never become a therapist although i could. sigh). i feel like i'm explaining extremely basic things. slut-shame, straw feminist tropes, appropriation, just re-affirming that sexism exists... i think that the most difficult part is the interaction with people. on vk having a feminist blogs with open commenting would be a death wish, so i have an ask.fm..... which has over 1200 questions in it right now. i don't really believe that i will ever go through all of them.
with this kind of pressure and attention i find it difficult to stop writing about simplistic things, such as the abc's of feminism or just general talking about clothing and style. i have a need for more academic thinking, but i don't have many places to learn about it, and i don't feel educated enough to change the direction of my writing from simplistic to complex. i don't feel like my audience is educated enough, either - every time i make a post that's not about something like GENDER ROLES ARE WRONG it gets much less attention than the ones i actually put effort into, researched information for and translated english-only materials for. of course. i know better than to complain - if i keep at it, i will eventually find my audience. but i suppose change is scary. i never thought i was afraid of change, but i am - particularly when it's accompanied with lack of security.
i don't know if i'm going to keep posting on here or not, i sometimes make outfit posts on my tumblr - russiawithoutputin.tumblr.com
i don't really like posting too much text on my tumblr. am i overthinking my web presence? i think i am. oops.
oh, also, in the title of this post i mentioned a movie. it's called "spun". it has jason schwartzman (the kid from all of those wes anderson movies), mena suvari (the girl from american beauty, but not thora birch), debbie harry and billy corgan... but billy only for a moment. here's his scene (no spoilers, not really)
it's a good film. watch it!!